So tomorrow's Presidents Day. It's a federal holiday for Americans to celebrate the nation's Presidents and to have a day off from work. Thank you, Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1971.
When I think of Presidents Day, images of Washington and Lincoln come to mind, after all, they're the traditional reason for its observance. Later on, all the presidents were brought into the holiday fold. I'm okay with that, after all, we have some greats in that list of leaders. Men like the Roosevelts, Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower, deserve a day.
This year though, I'm wondering what those greats are feeling as they look down on what's happening in our great nation. I picture his daily life in the White House like an episode of the "West Wing" written by Tobe Hooper on acid. My apologies to Aaron Sorkin.
POTUS: Alright folks, I've got a bigly busy day, a yuuuge day ahead so let's get down to business. What's on our platter?
Leo McGarry: Mister President, your pick for National Security Adviser has been pegged for colluding with the Russians. We're going to have to ask him to resign.
POTUS: Who pegged him? Bring me their head, now!
Charlie: I'm on it sir.
Leo: Hold up, Charlie. We can't just go grabbing people off the street for sharing information we don't like to hear.
POTUS: I need to tweet about this. Where's my phone?
Toby Ziegler: Mister President, maybe we should hold off on the Twitter for a --
POTUS: I'm the leader of the free world! I can't tweet if I want to. Now, somebody give me my goddamned phone!
C.J. Craig: Toby has a point, Mister President. The people aren't used to seeing their leader just tweeting whatever comes to mind.
POTUS: Who is this broad? Lady, who let you in here?
Leo: C.J. has been your press secretary since the beginning sir.
POTUS: Was she the one I grabbed by the --
Leo: Not here, Mister President, Not here, not now. Let's respect the dignity of the office.
POTUS: I've got dignity, it's great dignity, I'm a dignified guy. Give me a second, and I'll show her my dignity.
Toby: Mister President, you've got to get yourself under control. If you don't, the media's going to have a field day ripping you apart.
POTUS: The media, the media, the MEDIA! What the hell do I have to do to get in with the media? It's all FAKE NEWS anyhow.
Josh: (snickering) Go to the press room and tell them they've all been punk'd.
POTUS: (pushes a button under his desktop) Really? Who's a punk now, laughing boy?
Josh: (falling through the trap door in the floor) Oh shi-- (squishes as he hits the spikes in the pit he fell into.) Donnaaaa!
Leo: Listen Mister President, dropping Josh through the floor wasn't the right thing to do. You can't just --
POTUS: I've got a button for you, too, Leo. It's a yuge button, it'll schlong you bigly.
Leo: Don't bother with that Don, I flew missions over Vietnam. Weren't you in school back then on a deferment?
POTUS: I didn't go because I'm smart. The same reason I don't pay taxes. Smart. Now where's my phone?
Toby: Didn't you leave it on the table at Mar-a-Lago?
C.J.: I'll be in my office drafting a release for today's tomfoolery.
POTUS: I need to get that tweet out while it's still in my mind. I do great tweets, really amazing tweets. You should see my tweets.
Sam: We've seen your tweets Mister President. It's time to stop. Social media is not a good tool for you.
POTUS: I'm the king of social media, I'm great on social media. I rule on the cyber.
Toby: I need pie.
Sam: Let's go get pie.
Leo: Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you Mister President.
POTUS: I still don't have my phone. I need my Twitter!
Josh: (from the pit of doom) I've got your phone, Mister President. Come down here and get it.
(Fade to black)
Well, that's my image of the new administration. Have a happy Presidents Day. Again, my apologies Mr. Sorkin.
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